10 things that make me angry

10 Things That Make Me Angry

1. People who complain about things and do nothing to change them. Example: “I’m so fat!” and then eat out for every meal and NEVER exercise. 

2. Slutty, slutty girls. Listen friends, I’m not innocent by any means. But putting out on the first date, no class. NONE!

3. Assumptions. I know we’re all guilty of this including me. But people assuming that just because I go to hair school automatically makes me lazy and stupid. Jerks.

4. Not being allowed to be pretty and nerdy. Not even gonna explain this one.

5. STUPID PEOPLE WHO CHANGE BASED ON WHO THEY ARE DATING. No, this is not directed at any one couple, it’s directed at many. So don’t be offended. This may be about you, but not you alone. 

6. Couples who have to constantly be touching each other. I’m all for PDA whatever man, do what you want, but come on! Can you not last 5 seconds without some form of physical contact. 

7. Missionaries who follow the rules and only e-mail their family. I know it makes him a great guy and all but do you know how frustrating it is to wait a month for a letter????

8. Fitting a mold. I’m me. Okay? yes I am a hair stylist who takes a long time to get ready, and wont go out without make up, and cares deeply about what I look like, and yes I do enjoy reading comics, watching cartoons, and playing video games, oh but wait, I also enjoy cheesy overly dramatic tv shows about pregnant teenagers. Someone make a t-shirt for that ish. 

9. Feeling like I have to change who I am for a guy to like me. Not. Going. To. Happen. 

10. People who talk to everyone else but you about their issue with you. Really? REALLY?!

and those are the 10 things that are the current bane of my existence

Tear Stained Memories

To start this I’m terrible at writing poems, but here we go. 

Tear stained memories, 

the feelings you feel when you fall into bed.

The overwhelming sound of of non existant remedies

remedies to the problems of a story only half read.

The story of your life, 

the story of a life that was so full of hurt that even you stopped reading. 

The promise of a brighter life, 

of the only love that could start the healing. 

Fear of losing that love, 

of never having that love. 

of never being good enough.

wanting only you, my love. 

the thought of you,

when crawling into bed, causes yet another, 

tear stained memory

My mission statement

Each day I want to wake up, look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
I want to make mistakes and grow from them.
Never will I give up on myself. 
I can achieve everything I want to achieve.
Even when things are hard I will find a reason to smile.  
There is nothing I can't accomplish 
I will forever take the road less traveled by, and always make a difference.

Can't Come Up With a Creative Title....

Since I haven't posted in quite some time, I figured I'm past due for a post. Today I'm going to talk about two things, cowards, and my inability to be in a relationship. 

I'll start off with talking about cowards. To start this discussion let me just say that Cory Oliver is my best friend, and if anyone hurts him (even if we are friends) you will burn a bridge with me. I chose him. Always. Alright back to the topic. I completely understand that life is hard, and sometimes it's not easy to be yourself. But you can only pretend for so long. I learned this lesson, yes I lost a lot of friends, but I am happy. I love who I am and I love my life. You can only be so happy not being you. So just man up and deal with it. (I mean that in the most loving way possible)

Second thing we're going to talk about here my inability to be in a relationship. I must have some sort of handicap or something. Seriously, I meet guys, we go out, I invite them to come out with me and friends, and next thing I know they're in a relationship with one of them. I'm just curious as to what is wrong with me. Why is it impossible for me to be in a "serious relationship"? Don't get me wrong, for the most part I'm pretty content being single, but I wouldn't mind being in a relationship. Mostly I think I just think I'm incapable of committing to someone, and  I do this to myself... hmm, well this has been a rather useless post. I hope everyone have a fantastic week =] 

Let's Go Back To The Start

Have you ever wished so badly to undo every mistake you'd ever made, go back in time and be 8 years old when everything was right with the world and have your biggest concern with life be whether you would ride your bike to your friends house, or walk.

I don't believe in regret, the choices we make shape who we become each day. But lately I'm realizing how much simpler life would be if I hadn't made some of those choices. There would be much less pain, anger, frustration, loss, disappointment, fear, and despair. I know at the time I made those choices it was exactly what i wanted, and I knew what I was setting myself up for. The pain still exists though.

I just want to be okay. I want to accept who I am now, and make the changes necessary for my future happiness. But, I am stuck in this rut, in these ways, doing the things that hurt me rather than finding things to lift me up and make me happy for longer than a day.

I've got a lot of skeletons in the closet and I'm really good at pretending they don't exist. I've also become a professional at not showing emotions, and making myself numb to the situations at hand. Every now and then all those emotions hit at once and I have one of those wonderful breakdowns. I forget I'm human sometimes.

I'm going to take a long hard look at my life, and start making some big changes. Clearly something has got to give. To everyone who reads this that I've ever disappointed I'm sorry.

I shot for the sky, I'm stuck on the ground

Tonight, while fighting with my insomnia, I discovered a song on pandora, which has summed up all my feelings as of late. It's called Down, by Jason Walker.


I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it’s coming down, down, down.



As of lately I've been questioning my value, and wondering if how I feel is how I really feel or if I just invent emotions to make myself feel better about certain situations. This song sums up a lot of those feelings, into a beautiful chorus, with haunting a hauntingly beautiful voice, and beautiful music. It brings tears to my eyes. The chorus is what really hits home. 
I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.
There is this boy in my life. Of course a boy. Said boy is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. He makes me feel like to him I am the world, and the best thing to happen to him. When I feel like I am the worst. He's the perfect mormon boy, never does anything wrong, never questions things, does what he's supposed to. And those of you who know me, know that I'm not that girl. He makes me feel like I can be that girl, and that I can "fly, " but I feel like I'm stuck being who I am now and stuck on the "ground."


Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.
I can't let go of the idea that I'm supposed to be with him. And that he's the one, but some days I feel like I've convinced myself of these feelings because I'm lonely, and can't seem to find anyone. I keep telling myself that the reason I'm still alone is because I'm supposed to be with him. What if I'm just wishing for something because I can't face not having anything. I don't want to let go of the best thing I could ever have, but what if I'm not the best thing for him....




I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I don't know where I'm at. I don't know where I stand with my religion, my values, and really who I am as a person. I feel like I'm that kid that is sitting in the back of the class watching the rest of the class move ahead, learn, and grow. I'm tired of waiting for some sign, some revelation where I realize the path I should be following. Waiting to find out if all these feelings are in my head, and I'm chasing some imaginary dream that will never be, or if maybe just maybe I'm not completely insane. 


This blog is completely scatter brained. Okay, so most of my blogs are. These aren't written to be graded, I write to clear my head. Because this is the only real way I know how to express my emotions, feelings, all that crap. I'm not good with talking... and feeling... I feel like I need to write something meaningful and uplifting now.....






My thoughts on gay marriage-


Quite the change eh? I figured since I was on the topic of love. Why not? 


All you close minded friends of mine who may end up reading this and getting offended, I would say I'm sorry, but alas, I am not. These are my opinions, you're entitled to your own, mine have just come from years and years of experiences, encounters, and deep contemplation. 


Yes, my best friends are gay. Yes, I think they deserve the opportunity to marry the men they love. Yes, I am Mormon. 


sayers out there. Here are my reasons why I say YES, I'm not trying to persuade anyone. Just trying to educate. When we are born into this world, we are opinion-less, we know nothing, clean slate. Depending on the family you are born into you learn certain values, beliefs, religions, Mormon, Buddhist, Taoist, catholic, agnostic, atheist, you name it. You are pushed into these beliefs by the family , and most times friends around you who are typically the similar beliefs, as we grow and develop we can change those beliefs, tweak what we believe, and gain opinions of our own. We are given a choice. 


Now, born gay, turned gay, whatever you wanna say it is, either way. It is a lifestyle, just like religion, or lack thereof. It is a lifestyle that makes that person HAPPY. HAPPY. One more time, HAPPY. Are you honestly going to tell me, that someone can run away to Vegas get married on a whim, and they deserve that marriage over someone who has been with their partner for 5 years? Or that someone who was disowned by their family and is now laying in a hospital bed in critical condition and can't make medical decisions for them self can't have their partner make those crucial decisions for them? I'm sorry, I disagree with you. 


Love is love. And if a man loving a man, or woman loving a woman, makes that person happy, who am I to say they aren't allowed happiness? Do I think that churches should have ANY say  in the matter? no. They can delegate who can and can't be married within that religion, they do have those rights. States can marry said couples. It doesn't have to be a church.  I am much to exhausted to write more, this topic wears me right out. 


All my love.


"I would hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love"

The Vacation Comes to a Close

Once again I find myself in the Huston airport, this time waiting to go home. After one long fun week with Chels I am VERY ready to be home.

We spend most of the week fulfilling her nanny duties hanging with the kids, going to parks, and going shopping. Friday night we drove to Atlanta, GA, and stayed at a 4 star $400 dollar a night hotel. We got our room for $70. After staying at that wonderful hotel we had one jam packed Saturday! We left the hotel around 11 am, went to steak and shake for lunch (YUM), then headed to down town Atlanta. We then went to the Aquarium and the World of Coke factory. I may or may not have drank a portion of my weight in coke... Don't judge. The aquarium was absolutely incredible! So many fish! There is this tunnel you get to go through where these huge sharks, manta rays, and various other fish just swim all around you! It was incredible! The beluga whale exhibit was incredible as well. They are so oddly gorgeous!

The last thing we did on Saturday was attend the Atlanta temple open house. They have spent the past 2 years refurbishing the interior of the temple. It was absolutely stunning. The celestial room and the sealing room were my two favorites (probably because of the GORGEOUS chandeliers). It was a wonderful experience I am so glad that we decided that was what we were going to spend our saturday doing. After the temple we went to this BOMBIN rib shack called Fat Matt's. I may have died a little bit. The ribs were uh-mazing.

Well it is now time to board my plane. The words I leave you with today are from a song by adele, "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

Too Much Time To Think, Layover style...

I have never been to North Carolina. Even in all my drum corps travels... I left Salt Lake City today at 1:05pm on my expedition to Charlotte, North Carolina to see my best friend Chelsey Christensen. After all we've been though, and not talking for almost two years, it's going to be VERY refreshing to see her. I will have to write a post trip blog on Sunday when I get home. I can't wait to see what my week has in store. 

While on the flight from SLC to Huston (where my layover is) I was wide awake. I spent my flight reading, and writing a letter to Tyler Dicou, who is currently serving a mission in Seoul, Korea. In writing him I have had a lot of questions on my mind regarding the church. Now, I don't consider myself the most religious person. Right now I'm caught in the middle of this war in my mind where I am still determining how I feel and what I believe. 

I was raised LDS, never questioning the church and being one of the over achieving little mormon children. Growing up, I started questioning things. Wondering why this, and why that.Now I am in a place where I am not sure what I want and what I believe anymore. Don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into this anti religion, rebel, druggie. I just am questioning where I stand and what I want. There are a lot of things about religion that scare me. For example, the concept of afterlife. On one hand it's very comforting, on the other, completely terrifying. The concept of forever is a scary thing... What do you live for? I'm one of those people who just get by day to day, finding the little things to look forward to, and get me through each day, hour, minute, even second. What do you do for eternity? Seems to me like you'd run out of things to do after awhile... Sometimes ceasing to exist doesn't sound so bad. 

I am not a blind follower. I need to have answers to questions, I have to touch the stove to know that it is hot. I don't just want to live life not knowing why I am the way I am. So, now I have started on this quest of finding out who I am, and what I believe. I wish I could blindly follow, and just trust... but I'm not. 

Time to get on the plane and finish the last leg of my trip. I cannot wait to see Chelsey! It is going to be a great week, and she tends to have the answers to my questions. All my love.

"when the wind is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case... I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love."

Woah now, when did I become a grown up??

Give me an inch and apparently I go a mile.

So sorry to those of you who read this that it has been entirely too long since I have posted! Maybe this post will help you understand why writing has been fairly low on the list of things to do.

Well, I have already talked about how I quit Urban Expressions (due to my hip problems), most definitely the best decision I have ever made. It has lead to me finding my happiness. Instead of being stuck doing something I wasn't happy doing, with people who only hurt me. Even now being gone they for some reason still feel the need to talk bad, spread rumors, and try and pull me back into their little web of drama. Guess what? It aint gonna happen. I'm happy. And no one can ruin it. Try as hard as you would like... :D

Quitting Urban opened up this whole other world for me.... I am now teaching the American Leadership Academy (the Edge) colorguard. I LOVE it! I always knew that I wanted to teach, and now I am doing it I know why. There is something so rewarding about passing on your knowledge, and not just colorguard related, down to kids who are going through some of the same stuff you have already gone through. I finally feel like I am making a difference! My girls are absolutely darling! They work so hard, and have this drive that makes me want to push myself for them. Teaching with Bernice, and Ashli is a blast! They are so fun and keep me calm when I start to get frustrated. They have truly welcomed me in with open arms.

School, alright so who called it? College is not my cup of tea. It just goes to slow and takes to long. I need something now. Aveda institute anyone? I start april 20 at the Aveda institute in their cosmetology program. I will be finished November of next year. I think I can handle a year and a half? I am so excited! I always wanted to do cosmetology but always felt like it was an "easy way out." I gave college a shot. Maybe when my life settles down and I feel a little more urgent in going and getting a degree... Right now, I'm 19 and I just want to have fun!

I still feel like there are still things missing, and some pieces of my puzzle that aren't quite put together. But, this is the happiest I have been in a long time. I have EVERY intention of keeping it that way.

"don't worry, about a thing. Because every little thing, is gonna be alright"

All my love,
Roo

Change, missing you, and grateful

A drastic change has become present in my life. Due to the problems I have been having with my hip, I've been forced to quit Colorguard. At this point it's come down to surgery or giving up colorguard and giving my body a chance to try and repair it's self. I haven't decided how hurt I am about this happening. As much as I love colorguard, I haven't been happy doing it. I don't know it's because of who I was spinning with, the members, or the lack of two of my favorite instructors. I just never felt like I fit in. I felt like I had one person on the guard who genuinely cared about me as a person. I wouldn't have quit if it weren't for the medical problems. I love performing too much to give it up, but at this point my health is more important to me. Enough about that. It's best not to dwell on what you cannot change right?

Nine months ago I said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world for two years. For the most part I've been okay with him being gone. I've been able to cope... but for the past month I've had a really hard time without him here. He was basically my compass. When ever I was lost and didn't know which direction to go to get back on track, he always knew what to do. What to say. And how to help me. I still get to write letters, but I can't talk to him about my problems. He has more important things he needs to focus on. I need him though. He's basically the one thing in the world that kept me sane, I think that's why I am now slowly slipping into insanity....

All the drama, and the problems that keep popping back up into my life have really been taking a toll on me. But, it has made me appreciate two of my very best friends. And the only two people I have in my life right now, Chase Hargis, and Cory Oliver. I realize that there are quite a few people in the world who really don't life me. And because I say how I feel, and don't bull shit people, a lot of people have a lot of things to say about me. I know that if ever cory and chase are around it, they'll stand up for me if necessary or tell who ever has something to say, to say it somewhere else. They are amazing friends. I know no matter what situation I get myself in, what choices I make, whatever happens, they'll stand by me, pick me up when I fall, and help put me back together when I fall apart. I am very grateful for them. 

To Cory Oliver....

Cory is apparently an avid reader of my blog, and continues to get after me for my lack of posting. I am going to dedicate this entire post to him.

I will start at the first time I met this nut case I call my best friend. I was in 9th grade, 14 years old, naive, sheltered, and not sure how I felt about the colorguard thing just yet. When this very attractive (I wanna say you were 18 at the time) boy comes walking in. Now of course all of us little 8th and 9th grade girls were in awe. We were then informed that this boy was going to be our instructor for the season. None of us really knew better so we went with it. I could rant about that season but it's fairly boring. Summary of it was, I found out I loved colorguard, and that I was pretty damn good at it. Who knew it would take me the places it would... oh wait, I'm pretty sure you did Cory.

Fast forward to my junior year when I decided to do drum corps, we saw each other occasionally, but weren't yet the friends we are now. It was more of a, I taught her and I'm so proud. =]

After Graduation I was trying to decide if I wanted to march an independent colorguard, and if so, would I stay with the american fork program or take the chance and go to Salt Lake and join UEX. Obviously, I took the chance (after much persuasion on cory's part, and meeting and falling in love with Sumer Addy).

Six months of hard work, bonding, and realizing that we had more in common than just colorguard. You became my colorguard dad, my best friend, and you watched me perform in WGI Independent A class FINALS. Such a feeling of pride stepping on to that floor.

I look back and wonder if we'd be as close as we are if I hadn't taken that leap of faith. I realized that true friendship is a rarity and we would have found it. It just would have taken a bit longer. Without all you advice, hours listening to me complain, and the crazy adventures we have together. I wouldn't be who I am today.

I hope I can be at least half the friend to you that you are to me.

Love you cory. <3

Progress!

After feeling stuck for so long. I almost feel like there is some progress in my life!

After seeing four different doctors, we have finally found one who was able to figure out what was wrong with my hip! Turns out the left side was tilted forward. To fix it we're going to try some different stretches, he wants me to come in Tuesday next week and see how I'm progressing. About time!

I'm finally making the decisions I need to progress forward with my life. I've decided for my health, I will be taking a season off from drum corps. Probably one of the hardest decisions I've made so far. Three years of putting my heart and soul into the activity, and now I have to take a break. I know it is for the best. It will give me time to heal and right now that's what I need. That unfortunately does not make it any easier.

I plan on spending the summer working and going to school full time. I am still unsure of my major, I thought I wanted to stick with writing, but I think I'm going back to physical therapy with a minor in sports med. I think that fits my lifestyle better. I can always continue writing on the side. That way my writing stays special to me, and doesn't end up being a task.

I'm doing a lot less for everyone else and a lot more for me. I think it's adding to my progressing happiness. I've also realized who is important in my life, and who isn't. Coming to that realization has made my decisions so much easier, because my real friends, support me in every choice I make. They tell me what they think, but support me no matter what.

These probably sound insignificant and pointless to all you readers... but to me... The're putting me into a better place. I feel like I'm finding my happiness.

 Song quote for this entry comes from The Heart of the Matter by India Arie

"All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside"

Books, work, school, colorguard...A day in the life.

Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut? If you haven't, please tell me your secret. Lately, I feel like every day is the same routine... Mondays, go to work come home read, and do homework. Tuesdays, day off, find someway to relax, then school, come home and sleep. Wednesdays, work, come home pick up lucy, go to guard, come home and sleep. Thursdays, work, school, sleep. Fridays, work, and guard. Saturdays, guard, sleepover with best friends. Rinse and repeat.

I need some excitement, something new, a change of pace, a vacation... ANYTHING! Don't get me wrong. I'm happy, truly happy. But, I feel complacent. I'm the kind of person who needs change. Without it I feel like this, stuck in a rut.

Even though I'm making progress and headed in the right direction in who I want to be as a person.... but the change isn't quick enough for my personal taste. Anyway, that's the rant for this evening.

Tonights quote is from one of my favorite songs by a band by the name of "The Classic Crime"

"You choke back tears and swallow lies, but those wiper blades wont fix your eyes. Count on having clouded vision for at least a little while. "

Getting Back On Track

So, with the chaos that has been my life, and all the emotions that have been flowing through me, it's been hard to sit down and write it out. Now, I am ready.

Today's topic of choice, passion.

In life, we find things we love, make us happy, bring us pleasure, make us smile, make us cry, we find these things and develop a passion for them. Sometimes, the passion can trigger something similar to an addiction. These "passions" become a part of who we are, and tend to shape our personalities, our friendships, and our lives in general.

What happens when the thing that has been your passion, and has shaped you into the person you've become, no longer becomes your passion. In fact, it seems like it is more of a task to do. You don't look forward to doing it, and you'd rather be doing something else. So what happens when passion dies? Is it possible to keep the fire burning, or do you let it die?

“If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you.”

nhsalan  T. Alan Armstrong

A long time coming

So to those of you who actually read this, I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written, life has been crazy and there just haven't been enough hours in the day to spend one of them writing. One of my friends recently told me he's going to stop following this if I don't post soon. So Cory Oliver, this is for your enjoyment

Recently I have learned a lot of things about myself. Losing one of your best friends can do that to you. But, losing one of your best friends can also make you realize how important the ones who stick around REALLY are. Cory Oliver and Chase Hargis, I would like to thank you for being my rock. For being the two people who I can count on for absolutely anything, and for loving me for all my flaws, and obnoxious quirks.

This post is going to be me ranting about everything in my life. It's one I would recommend ignoring.

Today, I would like to complain about how self centered the world we live in is. I'm not going to pretend I'm innocent, and not at fault on this matter, because heaven knows I am. I just don't understand how it is so easy for some people to turn around and stab someone, they say is their best friend, in the back just for some self gain. I know I'm not perfect, but I can't see myself lying about a friend to make someone like me more. If anyone can explain why this is please and thank you. Any insight would be wonderful. I can't really find the energy to rant more, because it will be directed towards a few people in specific and I'm just done. I promise a better post tomorrow, when I'm less irritated!