Too Much Time To Think, Layover style...

I have never been to North Carolina. Even in all my drum corps travels... I left Salt Lake City today at 1:05pm on my expedition to Charlotte, North Carolina to see my best friend Chelsey Christensen. After all we've been though, and not talking for almost two years, it's going to be VERY refreshing to see her. I will have to write a post trip blog on Sunday when I get home. I can't wait to see what my week has in store. 

While on the flight from SLC to Huston (where my layover is) I was wide awake. I spent my flight reading, and writing a letter to Tyler Dicou, who is currently serving a mission in Seoul, Korea. In writing him I have had a lot of questions on my mind regarding the church. Now, I don't consider myself the most religious person. Right now I'm caught in the middle of this war in my mind where I am still determining how I feel and what I believe. 

I was raised LDS, never questioning the church and being one of the over achieving little mormon children. Growing up, I started questioning things. Wondering why this, and why that.Now I am in a place where I am not sure what I want and what I believe anymore. Don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into this anti religion, rebel, druggie. I just am questioning where I stand and what I want. There are a lot of things about religion that scare me. For example, the concept of afterlife. On one hand it's very comforting, on the other, completely terrifying. The concept of forever is a scary thing... What do you live for? I'm one of those people who just get by day to day, finding the little things to look forward to, and get me through each day, hour, minute, even second. What do you do for eternity? Seems to me like you'd run out of things to do after awhile... Sometimes ceasing to exist doesn't sound so bad. 

I am not a blind follower. I need to have answers to questions, I have to touch the stove to know that it is hot. I don't just want to live life not knowing why I am the way I am. So, now I have started on this quest of finding out who I am, and what I believe. I wish I could blindly follow, and just trust... but I'm not. 

Time to get on the plane and finish the last leg of my trip. I cannot wait to see Chelsey! It is going to be a great week, and she tends to have the answers to my questions. All my love.

"when the wind is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case... I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love."

Woah now, when did I become a grown up??

Give me an inch and apparently I go a mile.

So sorry to those of you who read this that it has been entirely too long since I have posted! Maybe this post will help you understand why writing has been fairly low on the list of things to do.

Well, I have already talked about how I quit Urban Expressions (due to my hip problems), most definitely the best decision I have ever made. It has lead to me finding my happiness. Instead of being stuck doing something I wasn't happy doing, with people who only hurt me. Even now being gone they for some reason still feel the need to talk bad, spread rumors, and try and pull me back into their little web of drama. Guess what? It aint gonna happen. I'm happy. And no one can ruin it. Try as hard as you would like... :D

Quitting Urban opened up this whole other world for me.... I am now teaching the American Leadership Academy (the Edge) colorguard. I LOVE it! I always knew that I wanted to teach, and now I am doing it I know why. There is something so rewarding about passing on your knowledge, and not just colorguard related, down to kids who are going through some of the same stuff you have already gone through. I finally feel like I am making a difference! My girls are absolutely darling! They work so hard, and have this drive that makes me want to push myself for them. Teaching with Bernice, and Ashli is a blast! They are so fun and keep me calm when I start to get frustrated. They have truly welcomed me in with open arms.

School, alright so who called it? College is not my cup of tea. It just goes to slow and takes to long. I need something now. Aveda institute anyone? I start april 20 at the Aveda institute in their cosmetology program. I will be finished November of next year. I think I can handle a year and a half? I am so excited! I always wanted to do cosmetology but always felt like it was an "easy way out." I gave college a shot. Maybe when my life settles down and I feel a little more urgent in going and getting a degree... Right now, I'm 19 and I just want to have fun!

I still feel like there are still things missing, and some pieces of my puzzle that aren't quite put together. But, this is the happiest I have been in a long time. I have EVERY intention of keeping it that way.

"don't worry, about a thing. Because every little thing, is gonna be alright"

All my love,
Roo

Change, missing you, and grateful

A drastic change has become present in my life. Due to the problems I have been having with my hip, I've been forced to quit Colorguard. At this point it's come down to surgery or giving up colorguard and giving my body a chance to try and repair it's self. I haven't decided how hurt I am about this happening. As much as I love colorguard, I haven't been happy doing it. I don't know it's because of who I was spinning with, the members, or the lack of two of my favorite instructors. I just never felt like I fit in. I felt like I had one person on the guard who genuinely cared about me as a person. I wouldn't have quit if it weren't for the medical problems. I love performing too much to give it up, but at this point my health is more important to me. Enough about that. It's best not to dwell on what you cannot change right?

Nine months ago I said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world for two years. For the most part I've been okay with him being gone. I've been able to cope... but for the past month I've had a really hard time without him here. He was basically my compass. When ever I was lost and didn't know which direction to go to get back on track, he always knew what to do. What to say. And how to help me. I still get to write letters, but I can't talk to him about my problems. He has more important things he needs to focus on. I need him though. He's basically the one thing in the world that kept me sane, I think that's why I am now slowly slipping into insanity....

All the drama, and the problems that keep popping back up into my life have really been taking a toll on me. But, it has made me appreciate two of my very best friends. And the only two people I have in my life right now, Chase Hargis, and Cory Oliver. I realize that there are quite a few people in the world who really don't life me. And because I say how I feel, and don't bull shit people, a lot of people have a lot of things to say about me. I know that if ever cory and chase are around it, they'll stand up for me if necessary or tell who ever has something to say, to say it somewhere else. They are amazing friends. I know no matter what situation I get myself in, what choices I make, whatever happens, they'll stand by me, pick me up when I fall, and help put me back together when I fall apart. I am very grateful for them. 

To Cory Oliver....

Cory is apparently an avid reader of my blog, and continues to get after me for my lack of posting. I am going to dedicate this entire post to him.

I will start at the first time I met this nut case I call my best friend. I was in 9th grade, 14 years old, naive, sheltered, and not sure how I felt about the colorguard thing just yet. When this very attractive (I wanna say you were 18 at the time) boy comes walking in. Now of course all of us little 8th and 9th grade girls were in awe. We were then informed that this boy was going to be our instructor for the season. None of us really knew better so we went with it. I could rant about that season but it's fairly boring. Summary of it was, I found out I loved colorguard, and that I was pretty damn good at it. Who knew it would take me the places it would... oh wait, I'm pretty sure you did Cory.

Fast forward to my junior year when I decided to do drum corps, we saw each other occasionally, but weren't yet the friends we are now. It was more of a, I taught her and I'm so proud. =]

After Graduation I was trying to decide if I wanted to march an independent colorguard, and if so, would I stay with the american fork program or take the chance and go to Salt Lake and join UEX. Obviously, I took the chance (after much persuasion on cory's part, and meeting and falling in love with Sumer Addy).

Six months of hard work, bonding, and realizing that we had more in common than just colorguard. You became my colorguard dad, my best friend, and you watched me perform in WGI Independent A class FINALS. Such a feeling of pride stepping on to that floor.

I look back and wonder if we'd be as close as we are if I hadn't taken that leap of faith. I realized that true friendship is a rarity and we would have found it. It just would have taken a bit longer. Without all you advice, hours listening to me complain, and the crazy adventures we have together. I wouldn't be who I am today.

I hope I can be at least half the friend to you that you are to me.

Love you cory. <3

Progress!

After feeling stuck for so long. I almost feel like there is some progress in my life!

After seeing four different doctors, we have finally found one who was able to figure out what was wrong with my hip! Turns out the left side was tilted forward. To fix it we're going to try some different stretches, he wants me to come in Tuesday next week and see how I'm progressing. About time!

I'm finally making the decisions I need to progress forward with my life. I've decided for my health, I will be taking a season off from drum corps. Probably one of the hardest decisions I've made so far. Three years of putting my heart and soul into the activity, and now I have to take a break. I know it is for the best. It will give me time to heal and right now that's what I need. That unfortunately does not make it any easier.

I plan on spending the summer working and going to school full time. I am still unsure of my major, I thought I wanted to stick with writing, but I think I'm going back to physical therapy with a minor in sports med. I think that fits my lifestyle better. I can always continue writing on the side. That way my writing stays special to me, and doesn't end up being a task.

I'm doing a lot less for everyone else and a lot more for me. I think it's adding to my progressing happiness. I've also realized who is important in my life, and who isn't. Coming to that realization has made my decisions so much easier, because my real friends, support me in every choice I make. They tell me what they think, but support me no matter what.

These probably sound insignificant and pointless to all you readers... but to me... The're putting me into a better place. I feel like I'm finding my happiness.

 Song quote for this entry comes from The Heart of the Matter by India Arie

"All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside"

Books, work, school, colorguard...A day in the life.

Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut? If you haven't, please tell me your secret. Lately, I feel like every day is the same routine... Mondays, go to work come home read, and do homework. Tuesdays, day off, find someway to relax, then school, come home and sleep. Wednesdays, work, come home pick up lucy, go to guard, come home and sleep. Thursdays, work, school, sleep. Fridays, work, and guard. Saturdays, guard, sleepover with best friends. Rinse and repeat.

I need some excitement, something new, a change of pace, a vacation... ANYTHING! Don't get me wrong. I'm happy, truly happy. But, I feel complacent. I'm the kind of person who needs change. Without it I feel like this, stuck in a rut.

Even though I'm making progress and headed in the right direction in who I want to be as a person.... but the change isn't quick enough for my personal taste. Anyway, that's the rant for this evening.

Tonights quote is from one of my favorite songs by a band by the name of "The Classic Crime"

"You choke back tears and swallow lies, but those wiper blades wont fix your eyes. Count on having clouded vision for at least a little while. "

Getting Back On Track

So, with the chaos that has been my life, and all the emotions that have been flowing through me, it's been hard to sit down and write it out. Now, I am ready.

Today's topic of choice, passion.

In life, we find things we love, make us happy, bring us pleasure, make us smile, make us cry, we find these things and develop a passion for them. Sometimes, the passion can trigger something similar to an addiction. These "passions" become a part of who we are, and tend to shape our personalities, our friendships, and our lives in general.

What happens when the thing that has been your passion, and has shaped you into the person you've become, no longer becomes your passion. In fact, it seems like it is more of a task to do. You don't look forward to doing it, and you'd rather be doing something else. So what happens when passion dies? Is it possible to keep the fire burning, or do you let it die?

“If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you.”

nhsalan  T. Alan Armstrong