Can't Come Up With a Creative Title....

Since I haven't posted in quite some time, I figured I'm past due for a post. Today I'm going to talk about two things, cowards, and my inability to be in a relationship. 

I'll start off with talking about cowards. To start this discussion let me just say that Cory Oliver is my best friend, and if anyone hurts him (even if we are friends) you will burn a bridge with me. I chose him. Always. Alright back to the topic. I completely understand that life is hard, and sometimes it's not easy to be yourself. But you can only pretend for so long. I learned this lesson, yes I lost a lot of friends, but I am happy. I love who I am and I love my life. You can only be so happy not being you. So just man up and deal with it. (I mean that in the most loving way possible)

Second thing we're going to talk about here my inability to be in a relationship. I must have some sort of handicap or something. Seriously, I meet guys, we go out, I invite them to come out with me and friends, and next thing I know they're in a relationship with one of them. I'm just curious as to what is wrong with me. Why is it impossible for me to be in a "serious relationship"? Don't get me wrong, for the most part I'm pretty content being single, but I wouldn't mind being in a relationship. Mostly I think I just think I'm incapable of committing to someone, and  I do this to myself... hmm, well this has been a rather useless post. I hope everyone have a fantastic week =] 

Let's Go Back To The Start

Have you ever wished so badly to undo every mistake you'd ever made, go back in time and be 8 years old when everything was right with the world and have your biggest concern with life be whether you would ride your bike to your friends house, or walk.

I don't believe in regret, the choices we make shape who we become each day. But lately I'm realizing how much simpler life would be if I hadn't made some of those choices. There would be much less pain, anger, frustration, loss, disappointment, fear, and despair. I know at the time I made those choices it was exactly what i wanted, and I knew what I was setting myself up for. The pain still exists though.

I just want to be okay. I want to accept who I am now, and make the changes necessary for my future happiness. But, I am stuck in this rut, in these ways, doing the things that hurt me rather than finding things to lift me up and make me happy for longer than a day.

I've got a lot of skeletons in the closet and I'm really good at pretending they don't exist. I've also become a professional at not showing emotions, and making myself numb to the situations at hand. Every now and then all those emotions hit at once and I have one of those wonderful breakdowns. I forget I'm human sometimes.

I'm going to take a long hard look at my life, and start making some big changes. Clearly something has got to give. To everyone who reads this that I've ever disappointed I'm sorry.

I shot for the sky, I'm stuck on the ground

Tonight, while fighting with my insomnia, I discovered a song on pandora, which has summed up all my feelings as of late. It's called Down, by Jason Walker.


I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh it’s coming down, down, down.



As of lately I've been questioning my value, and wondering if how I feel is how I really feel or if I just invent emotions to make myself feel better about certain situations. This song sums up a lot of those feelings, into a beautiful chorus, with haunting a hauntingly beautiful voice, and beautiful music. It brings tears to my eyes. The chorus is what really hits home. 
I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
Can’t find another way around
And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.
There is this boy in my life. Of course a boy. Said boy is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. He makes me feel like to him I am the world, and the best thing to happen to him. When I feel like I am the worst. He's the perfect mormon boy, never does anything wrong, never questions things, does what he's supposed to. And those of you who know me, know that I'm not that girl. He makes me feel like I can be that girl, and that I can "fly, " but I feel like I'm stuck being who I am now and stuck on the "ground."


Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.
I can't let go of the idea that I'm supposed to be with him. And that he's the one, but some days I feel like I've convinced myself of these feelings because I'm lonely, and can't seem to find anyone. I keep telling myself that the reason I'm still alone is because I'm supposed to be with him. What if I'm just wishing for something because I can't face not having anything. I don't want to let go of the best thing I could ever have, but what if I'm not the best thing for him....




I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I don't know where I'm at. I don't know where I stand with my religion, my values, and really who I am as a person. I feel like I'm that kid that is sitting in the back of the class watching the rest of the class move ahead, learn, and grow. I'm tired of waiting for some sign, some revelation where I realize the path I should be following. Waiting to find out if all these feelings are in my head, and I'm chasing some imaginary dream that will never be, or if maybe just maybe I'm not completely insane. 


This blog is completely scatter brained. Okay, so most of my blogs are. These aren't written to be graded, I write to clear my head. Because this is the only real way I know how to express my emotions, feelings, all that crap. I'm not good with talking... and feeling... I feel like I need to write something meaningful and uplifting now.....






My thoughts on gay marriage-


Quite the change eh? I figured since I was on the topic of love. Why not? 


All you close minded friends of mine who may end up reading this and getting offended, I would say I'm sorry, but alas, I am not. These are my opinions, you're entitled to your own, mine have just come from years and years of experiences, encounters, and deep contemplation. 


Yes, my best friends are gay. Yes, I think they deserve the opportunity to marry the men they love. Yes, I am Mormon. 


sayers out there. Here are my reasons why I say YES, I'm not trying to persuade anyone. Just trying to educate. When we are born into this world, we are opinion-less, we know nothing, clean slate. Depending on the family you are born into you learn certain values, beliefs, religions, Mormon, Buddhist, Taoist, catholic, agnostic, atheist, you name it. You are pushed into these beliefs by the family , and most times friends around you who are typically the similar beliefs, as we grow and develop we can change those beliefs, tweak what we believe, and gain opinions of our own. We are given a choice. 


Now, born gay, turned gay, whatever you wanna say it is, either way. It is a lifestyle, just like religion, or lack thereof. It is a lifestyle that makes that person HAPPY. HAPPY. One more time, HAPPY. Are you honestly going to tell me, that someone can run away to Vegas get married on a whim, and they deserve that marriage over someone who has been with their partner for 5 years? Or that someone who was disowned by their family and is now laying in a hospital bed in critical condition and can't make medical decisions for them self can't have their partner make those crucial decisions for them? I'm sorry, I disagree with you. 


Love is love. And if a man loving a man, or woman loving a woman, makes that person happy, who am I to say they aren't allowed happiness? Do I think that churches should have ANY say  in the matter? no. They can delegate who can and can't be married within that religion, they do have those rights. States can marry said couples. It doesn't have to be a church.  I am much to exhausted to write more, this topic wears me right out. 


All my love.


"I would hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love"

The Vacation Comes to a Close

Once again I find myself in the Huston airport, this time waiting to go home. After one long fun week with Chels I am VERY ready to be home.

We spend most of the week fulfilling her nanny duties hanging with the kids, going to parks, and going shopping. Friday night we drove to Atlanta, GA, and stayed at a 4 star $400 dollar a night hotel. We got our room for $70. After staying at that wonderful hotel we had one jam packed Saturday! We left the hotel around 11 am, went to steak and shake for lunch (YUM), then headed to down town Atlanta. We then went to the Aquarium and the World of Coke factory. I may or may not have drank a portion of my weight in coke... Don't judge. The aquarium was absolutely incredible! So many fish! There is this tunnel you get to go through where these huge sharks, manta rays, and various other fish just swim all around you! It was incredible! The beluga whale exhibit was incredible as well. They are so oddly gorgeous!

The last thing we did on Saturday was attend the Atlanta temple open house. They have spent the past 2 years refurbishing the interior of the temple. It was absolutely stunning. The celestial room and the sealing room were my two favorites (probably because of the GORGEOUS chandeliers). It was a wonderful experience I am so glad that we decided that was what we were going to spend our saturday doing. After the temple we went to this BOMBIN rib shack called Fat Matt's. I may have died a little bit. The ribs were uh-mazing.

Well it is now time to board my plane. The words I leave you with today are from a song by adele, "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

Too Much Time To Think, Layover style...

I have never been to North Carolina. Even in all my drum corps travels... I left Salt Lake City today at 1:05pm on my expedition to Charlotte, North Carolina to see my best friend Chelsey Christensen. After all we've been though, and not talking for almost two years, it's going to be VERY refreshing to see her. I will have to write a post trip blog on Sunday when I get home. I can't wait to see what my week has in store. 

While on the flight from SLC to Huston (where my layover is) I was wide awake. I spent my flight reading, and writing a letter to Tyler Dicou, who is currently serving a mission in Seoul, Korea. In writing him I have had a lot of questions on my mind regarding the church. Now, I don't consider myself the most religious person. Right now I'm caught in the middle of this war in my mind where I am still determining how I feel and what I believe. 

I was raised LDS, never questioning the church and being one of the over achieving little mormon children. Growing up, I started questioning things. Wondering why this, and why that.Now I am in a place where I am not sure what I want and what I believe anymore. Don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into this anti religion, rebel, druggie. I just am questioning where I stand and what I want. There are a lot of things about religion that scare me. For example, the concept of afterlife. On one hand it's very comforting, on the other, completely terrifying. The concept of forever is a scary thing... What do you live for? I'm one of those people who just get by day to day, finding the little things to look forward to, and get me through each day, hour, minute, even second. What do you do for eternity? Seems to me like you'd run out of things to do after awhile... Sometimes ceasing to exist doesn't sound so bad. 

I am not a blind follower. I need to have answers to questions, I have to touch the stove to know that it is hot. I don't just want to live life not knowing why I am the way I am. So, now I have started on this quest of finding out who I am, and what I believe. I wish I could blindly follow, and just trust... but I'm not. 

Time to get on the plane and finish the last leg of my trip. I cannot wait to see Chelsey! It is going to be a great week, and she tends to have the answers to my questions. All my love.

"when the wind is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case... I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love."

Woah now, when did I become a grown up??

Give me an inch and apparently I go a mile.

So sorry to those of you who read this that it has been entirely too long since I have posted! Maybe this post will help you understand why writing has been fairly low on the list of things to do.

Well, I have already talked about how I quit Urban Expressions (due to my hip problems), most definitely the best decision I have ever made. It has lead to me finding my happiness. Instead of being stuck doing something I wasn't happy doing, with people who only hurt me. Even now being gone they for some reason still feel the need to talk bad, spread rumors, and try and pull me back into their little web of drama. Guess what? It aint gonna happen. I'm happy. And no one can ruin it. Try as hard as you would like... :D

Quitting Urban opened up this whole other world for me.... I am now teaching the American Leadership Academy (the Edge) colorguard. I LOVE it! I always knew that I wanted to teach, and now I am doing it I know why. There is something so rewarding about passing on your knowledge, and not just colorguard related, down to kids who are going through some of the same stuff you have already gone through. I finally feel like I am making a difference! My girls are absolutely darling! They work so hard, and have this drive that makes me want to push myself for them. Teaching with Bernice, and Ashli is a blast! They are so fun and keep me calm when I start to get frustrated. They have truly welcomed me in with open arms.

School, alright so who called it? College is not my cup of tea. It just goes to slow and takes to long. I need something now. Aveda institute anyone? I start april 20 at the Aveda institute in their cosmetology program. I will be finished November of next year. I think I can handle a year and a half? I am so excited! I always wanted to do cosmetology but always felt like it was an "easy way out." I gave college a shot. Maybe when my life settles down and I feel a little more urgent in going and getting a degree... Right now, I'm 19 and I just want to have fun!

I still feel like there are still things missing, and some pieces of my puzzle that aren't quite put together. But, this is the happiest I have been in a long time. I have EVERY intention of keeping it that way.

"don't worry, about a thing. Because every little thing, is gonna be alright"

All my love,
Roo

Change, missing you, and grateful

A drastic change has become present in my life. Due to the problems I have been having with my hip, I've been forced to quit Colorguard. At this point it's come down to surgery or giving up colorguard and giving my body a chance to try and repair it's self. I haven't decided how hurt I am about this happening. As much as I love colorguard, I haven't been happy doing it. I don't know it's because of who I was spinning with, the members, or the lack of two of my favorite instructors. I just never felt like I fit in. I felt like I had one person on the guard who genuinely cared about me as a person. I wouldn't have quit if it weren't for the medical problems. I love performing too much to give it up, but at this point my health is more important to me. Enough about that. It's best not to dwell on what you cannot change right?

Nine months ago I said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world for two years. For the most part I've been okay with him being gone. I've been able to cope... but for the past month I've had a really hard time without him here. He was basically my compass. When ever I was lost and didn't know which direction to go to get back on track, he always knew what to do. What to say. And how to help me. I still get to write letters, but I can't talk to him about my problems. He has more important things he needs to focus on. I need him though. He's basically the one thing in the world that kept me sane, I think that's why I am now slowly slipping into insanity....

All the drama, and the problems that keep popping back up into my life have really been taking a toll on me. But, it has made me appreciate two of my very best friends. And the only two people I have in my life right now, Chase Hargis, and Cory Oliver. I realize that there are quite a few people in the world who really don't life me. And because I say how I feel, and don't bull shit people, a lot of people have a lot of things to say about me. I know that if ever cory and chase are around it, they'll stand up for me if necessary or tell who ever has something to say, to say it somewhere else. They are amazing friends. I know no matter what situation I get myself in, what choices I make, whatever happens, they'll stand by me, pick me up when I fall, and help put me back together when I fall apart. I am very grateful for them.