Change, missing you, and grateful

A drastic change has become present in my life. Due to the problems I have been having with my hip, I've been forced to quit Colorguard. At this point it's come down to surgery or giving up colorguard and giving my body a chance to try and repair it's self. I haven't decided how hurt I am about this happening. As much as I love colorguard, I haven't been happy doing it. I don't know it's because of who I was spinning with, the members, or the lack of two of my favorite instructors. I just never felt like I fit in. I felt like I had one person on the guard who genuinely cared about me as a person. I wouldn't have quit if it weren't for the medical problems. I love performing too much to give it up, but at this point my health is more important to me. Enough about that. It's best not to dwell on what you cannot change right?

Nine months ago I said goodbye to my best friend in the whole world for two years. For the most part I've been okay with him being gone. I've been able to cope... but for the past month I've had a really hard time without him here. He was basically my compass. When ever I was lost and didn't know which direction to go to get back on track, he always knew what to do. What to say. And how to help me. I still get to write letters, but I can't talk to him about my problems. He has more important things he needs to focus on. I need him though. He's basically the one thing in the world that kept me sane, I think that's why I am now slowly slipping into insanity....

All the drama, and the problems that keep popping back up into my life have really been taking a toll on me. But, it has made me appreciate two of my very best friends. And the only two people I have in my life right now, Chase Hargis, and Cory Oliver. I realize that there are quite a few people in the world who really don't life me. And because I say how I feel, and don't bull shit people, a lot of people have a lot of things to say about me. I know that if ever cory and chase are around it, they'll stand up for me if necessary or tell who ever has something to say, to say it somewhere else. They are amazing friends. I know no matter what situation I get myself in, what choices I make, whatever happens, they'll stand by me, pick me up when I fall, and help put me back together when I fall apart. I am very grateful for them. 

To Cory Oliver....

Cory is apparently an avid reader of my blog, and continues to get after me for my lack of posting. I am going to dedicate this entire post to him.

I will start at the first time I met this nut case I call my best friend. I was in 9th grade, 14 years old, naive, sheltered, and not sure how I felt about the colorguard thing just yet. When this very attractive (I wanna say you were 18 at the time) boy comes walking in. Now of course all of us little 8th and 9th grade girls were in awe. We were then informed that this boy was going to be our instructor for the season. None of us really knew better so we went with it. I could rant about that season but it's fairly boring. Summary of it was, I found out I loved colorguard, and that I was pretty damn good at it. Who knew it would take me the places it would... oh wait, I'm pretty sure you did Cory.

Fast forward to my junior year when I decided to do drum corps, we saw each other occasionally, but weren't yet the friends we are now. It was more of a, I taught her and I'm so proud. =]

After Graduation I was trying to decide if I wanted to march an independent colorguard, and if so, would I stay with the american fork program or take the chance and go to Salt Lake and join UEX. Obviously, I took the chance (after much persuasion on cory's part, and meeting and falling in love with Sumer Addy).

Six months of hard work, bonding, and realizing that we had more in common than just colorguard. You became my colorguard dad, my best friend, and you watched me perform in WGI Independent A class FINALS. Such a feeling of pride stepping on to that floor.

I look back and wonder if we'd be as close as we are if I hadn't taken that leap of faith. I realized that true friendship is a rarity and we would have found it. It just would have taken a bit longer. Without all you advice, hours listening to me complain, and the crazy adventures we have together. I wouldn't be who I am today.

I hope I can be at least half the friend to you that you are to me.

Love you cory. <3

Progress!

After feeling stuck for so long. I almost feel like there is some progress in my life!

After seeing four different doctors, we have finally found one who was able to figure out what was wrong with my hip! Turns out the left side was tilted forward. To fix it we're going to try some different stretches, he wants me to come in Tuesday next week and see how I'm progressing. About time!

I'm finally making the decisions I need to progress forward with my life. I've decided for my health, I will be taking a season off from drum corps. Probably one of the hardest decisions I've made so far. Three years of putting my heart and soul into the activity, and now I have to take a break. I know it is for the best. It will give me time to heal and right now that's what I need. That unfortunately does not make it any easier.

I plan on spending the summer working and going to school full time. I am still unsure of my major, I thought I wanted to stick with writing, but I think I'm going back to physical therapy with a minor in sports med. I think that fits my lifestyle better. I can always continue writing on the side. That way my writing stays special to me, and doesn't end up being a task.

I'm doing a lot less for everyone else and a lot more for me. I think it's adding to my progressing happiness. I've also realized who is important in my life, and who isn't. Coming to that realization has made my decisions so much easier, because my real friends, support me in every choice I make. They tell me what they think, but support me no matter what.

These probably sound insignificant and pointless to all you readers... but to me... The're putting me into a better place. I feel like I'm finding my happiness.

 Song quote for this entry comes from The Heart of the Matter by India Arie

"All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside"

Books, work, school, colorguard...A day in the life.

Have you ever gotten stuck in a rut? If you haven't, please tell me your secret. Lately, I feel like every day is the same routine... Mondays, go to work come home read, and do homework. Tuesdays, day off, find someway to relax, then school, come home and sleep. Wednesdays, work, come home pick up lucy, go to guard, come home and sleep. Thursdays, work, school, sleep. Fridays, work, and guard. Saturdays, guard, sleepover with best friends. Rinse and repeat.

I need some excitement, something new, a change of pace, a vacation... ANYTHING! Don't get me wrong. I'm happy, truly happy. But, I feel complacent. I'm the kind of person who needs change. Without it I feel like this, stuck in a rut.

Even though I'm making progress and headed in the right direction in who I want to be as a person.... but the change isn't quick enough for my personal taste. Anyway, that's the rant for this evening.

Tonights quote is from one of my favorite songs by a band by the name of "The Classic Crime"

"You choke back tears and swallow lies, but those wiper blades wont fix your eyes. Count on having clouded vision for at least a little while. "

Getting Back On Track

So, with the chaos that has been my life, and all the emotions that have been flowing through me, it's been hard to sit down and write it out. Now, I am ready.

Today's topic of choice, passion.

In life, we find things we love, make us happy, bring us pleasure, make us smile, make us cry, we find these things and develop a passion for them. Sometimes, the passion can trigger something similar to an addiction. These "passions" become a part of who we are, and tend to shape our personalities, our friendships, and our lives in general.

What happens when the thing that has been your passion, and has shaped you into the person you've become, no longer becomes your passion. In fact, it seems like it is more of a task to do. You don't look forward to doing it, and you'd rather be doing something else. So what happens when passion dies? Is it possible to keep the fire burning, or do you let it die?

“If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you.”

nhsalan  T. Alan Armstrong

A long time coming

So to those of you who actually read this, I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written, life has been crazy and there just haven't been enough hours in the day to spend one of them writing. One of my friends recently told me he's going to stop following this if I don't post soon. So Cory Oliver, this is for your enjoyment

Recently I have learned a lot of things about myself. Losing one of your best friends can do that to you. But, losing one of your best friends can also make you realize how important the ones who stick around REALLY are. Cory Oliver and Chase Hargis, I would like to thank you for being my rock. For being the two people who I can count on for absolutely anything, and for loving me for all my flaws, and obnoxious quirks.

This post is going to be me ranting about everything in my life. It's one I would recommend ignoring.

Today, I would like to complain about how self centered the world we live in is. I'm not going to pretend I'm innocent, and not at fault on this matter, because heaven knows I am. I just don't understand how it is so easy for some people to turn around and stab someone, they say is their best friend, in the back just for some self gain. I know I'm not perfect, but I can't see myself lying about a friend to make someone like me more. If anyone can explain why this is please and thank you. Any insight would be wonderful. I can't really find the energy to rant more, because it will be directed towards a few people in specific and I'm just done. I promise a better post tomorrow, when I'm less irritated!

Confessions, while indulging in the awesome that is Dashboard Confessional

First of all, I am going to express how completely under appreciated Dashboard Confessional is. They are the equivalent of your favorite dessert (for me cheesecake with FRESH strawberries) on the worst of the worst days. Chris Carraba may be the most delicious, talented, and genuine man on this planet, and he gives FANTASTIC hugs. Just saying. I would even dare to say that they are my favorite band ever. The end. 


Now in the spirit of the name this blog is going to be some confessions. Nothing to juicy so don't get too excited. 


I don't like chocolate. Yes friends, there is a girl on this planet who by choice doesn't like chocolate. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy it once in a while. BUT, I have to CRAVE it. Which only happens every once in a blue moon. I'm more of a Sour Patch Watermelon kind of girl. Mark those words boys, that is my kryptonite. 


I love my puppy. Alright, that's no secret. But most of you don't know why. I get these feelings every now and then that I don't have much of a purpose, and that I go unnoticed. Well ya see this darling little thing I named Lucy, brings me so much happiness. I have something to take care of each day, and I know when I come home there is going to be a cute little face with big brown eyes, tail wagging, waiting for me to walk through the door. 


I hate people. Genuinely. Shocker right? All I have ever been told is what a people person I am, and how well I get along with other people. If only you could hear my thoughts. It takes a lot for me to like you as a person. So if I say your my friend, you better believe it. 


Sometimes I yell for no reason. 


I look forward to Glee each Tuesday.


The only thing I've ever been really good at doesn't make me happy anymore. But I can't give it up, because I don't know how to live without it. Even if it makes me angry, causes me pain, and just brings unneeded pressures to my life. 


I look a lot stronger than I am. I also act a lot stronger than I am. 


Tyler Dicou, and Chelsey Christensen deserve a parade for putting up with me, and being my two best friends. They are amazing, and I don't deserve them. 


Music is my drug. Seriously.


Coloring books may be the most calming activity I do. 


I'm TERRIFIED of heights. 


I always assume people are talking behind my back.


I have trust issues.


If I got to choose, I'd marry him. 


I'm a very selfish person. I try REALLY hard not to be.... but I am.


I'd choose a nice long cuddle over a kiss. 


I miss watching chick flicks, giving pedicures, facials, getting del taco, and eating pickles and potato chips with my best friend. I hate NC for stealing her... 


I hate selling stuff, too bad that's my job....


Hopes that someday I get paid lots of money to sit around and write like this. 


I'm also terrified that no one will ever like my writing and I'll fail. 


 He was right, I should have figured out how to live without him before he left. A good friend will hold your hand as you walk across hot coals, but a best friend will pick you up and carry you across them. He's my best friend. 


Alas, I am exhausted. And I get sick of writing about myself. So this is all for tonight. Instead of a quote, we'll go with lyrics tonight. Enjoy. <3










Bell of the Boulevard- Dashboard Confessional
Down in a local bar 
Out on the Boulevard 
The sound of an old guitar 
Is saving you from sinking 
It's a long way down, It's a long way 

Back like you never broke 
You tell a dirty joke 
He touches your leg 
And thinks He's getting close 
For now you let him 
Just this once 
Just for now 
And just like that 
It's over. 

[Chorus] 
Don't turn away 
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes 
Don't be afraid 
But keep it all inside, all inside 
When you fall apart 
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes 
Life is always hard 
For the Belle of the Boulevard 

In all your silver rings 
In all your silken things 
That song you softly sing 
Is keeping you from breaking 
It's a long way down, it's a long way 

Back here you never lost 
You shake the shivers off 
You take a drink 
To get your courage up 
Can you believe it? 

Just this once 
Just for now 
And just like that 
It's over 

[Chorus] 
Don't turn away 
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes 
Don't be afraid 
But keep it all inside, all inside 
When you fall apart 
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes 
Life is always hard 
For the Belle of the Boulevard 

Please hold on, it's alright 
Please hold on, it's alright 
Please hold on 

Down in a local bar 
Out on the boulevard 
The sound of an old guitar 
Is saving you 

[Chorus] 
Don't turn away 
Dry your eyes, dry you eyes 
Don't be afraid 
Keep it all inside, all inside 
When you fall apart 
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes 
Life is always hard 
For the Belle of the Boulevard