While on the flight from SLC to Huston (where my layover is) I was wide awake. I spent my flight reading, and writing a letter to Tyler Dicou, who is currently serving a mission in Seoul, Korea. In writing him I have had a lot of questions on my mind regarding the church. Now, I don't consider myself the most religious person. Right now I'm caught in the middle of this war in my mind where I am still determining how I feel and what I believe.
I was raised LDS, never questioning the church and being one of the over achieving little mormon children. Growing up, I started questioning things. Wondering why this, and why that.Now I am in a place where I am not sure what I want and what I believe anymore. Don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into this anti religion, rebel, druggie. I just am questioning where I stand and what I want. There are a lot of things about religion that scare me. For example, the concept of afterlife. On one hand it's very comforting, on the other, completely terrifying. The concept of forever is a scary thing... What do you live for? I'm one of those people who just get by day to day, finding the little things to look forward to, and get me through each day, hour, minute, even second. What do you do for eternity? Seems to me like you'd run out of things to do after awhile... Sometimes ceasing to exist doesn't sound so bad.
I am not a blind follower. I need to have answers to questions, I have to touch the stove to know that it is hot. I don't just want to live life not knowing why I am the way I am. So, now I have started on this quest of finding out who I am, and what I believe. I wish I could blindly follow, and just trust... but I'm not.
Time to get on the plane and finish the last leg of my trip. I cannot wait to see Chelsey! It is going to be a great week, and she tends to have the answers to my questions. All my love.
"when the wind is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case... I could offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love."
