Have you ever wished so badly to undo every mistake you'd ever made, go back in time and be 8 years old when everything was right with the world and have your biggest concern with life be whether you would ride your bike to your friends house, or walk.
I don't believe in regret, the choices we make shape who we become each day. But lately I'm realizing how much simpler life would be if I hadn't made some of those choices. There would be much less pain, anger, frustration, loss, disappointment, fear, and despair. I know at the time I made those choices it was exactly what i wanted, and I knew what I was setting myself up for. The pain still exists though.
I just want to be okay. I want to accept who I am now, and make the changes necessary for my future happiness. But, I am stuck in this rut, in these ways, doing the things that hurt me rather than finding things to lift me up and make me happy for longer than a day.
I've got a lot of skeletons in the closet and I'm really good at pretending they don't exist. I've also become a professional at not showing emotions, and making myself numb to the situations at hand. Every now and then all those emotions hit at once and I have one of those wonderful breakdowns. I forget I'm human sometimes.
I'm going to take a long hard look at my life, and start making some big changes. Clearly something has got to give. To everyone who reads this that I've ever disappointed I'm sorry.
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